A rich, vibrant sunset plays in the picture window. Silhouetted in front sits a table and chairs, my computer and its case. "Nice bag!" she says pointing to the black laptop bag. A friend of a girl-friend, both with an undefined itinerary.
I have other guests. Dear friends from France, Ontario and Quebec join us for farm-raised chicken sauted in curry-peanut sauce, vegetarian cumin-pepper ground soy, orange-lemon rice and fresh guacamole. Conversation drifts from French to English to Spanish. The wine flows.
Later that evening I try to put her to bed. "I want to have a moment with you", she says. Although I crave intimacy the highly intoxicated, cigarette-infused offer is offensive. She is beyond reasoning. We retreat to the bedroom; my attempt to contain the breach and protect the other guests.
From the far side of the bed I hope that a horizontal position will induce slumber. Then, suddenly, her full weight is on me. Naked, soft, sloppy. I push her away from my face. Her head lands on my belly. Fumbling with my waist button. Eyelashes tickle my stomach. Can I do this? No. I wrestle her off me and into a lock-spoon Hulk Hogan would be proud of. Hold and wait. Her legs entangle mine. I wait longer. Finally her breathing settles, body relaxes. I free myself, cover her with a blanket and retreat to the sofa bed where her friend sleeps. At last peace. I fall asleep.
Errrrpe! The sound of chair scraping floor wakes me. Errp! Again the chair, I look up. Silhouetted in the picture window she sits, on the table, completely nude. The girlfriend beside me wakes as well, she is the first to say anything. "Honey? Wake up Honey!". Blurred thoughts race through my head, is she watching over us? Upset? Wake up? My mind races back in time, my sister, three years old sleep walking through the house, through the kitchen to the basement stairs, sitting down on the top step and... something spills over. HOLY SHIT!!
"HEY! WAKE UP! YOU'RE PEEING ON THE TABLE!" She is indignant. "So What?!" she says, I'm naked too!! Urine rolls off two sides of the table, her bottom a momentary break wall for my precious laptop. I have only seconds.
I mop, twice. It takes some time to get her back to bed. She wants a drink, a smoke. To talk. I promise the other guests explanations in the morning; it's only a few hours away.
Evaporating pools of fragrant bleach catch the first rays of a rising sun. Sleep deprived I quietly inspect the scene of the crime. The table, floor and chairs are disinfected. My computer needs a sponge bath. Only the laptop case has permanent damage.
--
Well Hello!
Hoo Haw! Urine eh? Nothing like a decent tropical urine story. I've got one but I'd like to save it for my autobiography...
You couldn't be in a more enviable place even with the danger of runaway pee. Toronto is covered in about 2 ft of snow and temperatures continue to hover around minus 15. In fact the only advantage here at this point would be that the urine would surely freeze just as soon as it leaves the urinator. A sloppy thought but an interesting point.
Life is dangerously boring as hibernation and sudden cravings for chocolate and pizza have taken good grips.
Trying to put money away to join you but work these days is frighteningly scarce. I will be circulating a resume in the coming weeks and we'll see what pans out.
Still living in the bunker/cave/hotel/subteranean.
Presently doing laundry at mom's. Feel free to email me here.
Overall things are fine.
All the best!
pretty good! watch out who you invite though, or what you give them! lol ;) jj
Posted by: arnaud at January 21, 2004 04:38 PMHOLA! SOY WENDY,MUCHO GUSTO EN CONOCERTE...=T.Q.M.
Posted by: wendy... at January 20, 2004 11:29 AMYour Mom rocks!
On the other hand, nothing else about this episode surprises me... There will be songs written.
Posted by: Ian H. at January 11, 2004 06:39 PMI hope you pissed on her when she was sober. happy new year brother.
Nice!!!!
You know it's a party when your guest are naked,drunk, and pissing on your table.....
ps
So was She HOT???? (before the pee incident)
pss
Hey didn't one of your friendsin S.D have a similar episode??
Ian.P.
Posted by: Ian at January 7, 2004 11:17 AMI once pissed (accidentally) on my girlfriend during an alcohol induced blackout. I'm not sure whats worse, pissing on your girlfriend, or a girl pissing on your laptop. Hopefully you have a warranty on the laptop ;-)
Posted by: K-Billy at January 6, 2004 11:45 AMah so,"undefined itinerary" finally cleared up or should i say wiped up. honorable sleepy son shows ingeious instinct. confusius say, he who smells smoke should expect hot time. great story! al.
Posted by: at January 5, 2004 11:29 PMWell, Perry, I'm glad to see you're getting some intellectual stimulation. I think you should include diapers as part of your service. Love, Mom
Posted by: Mom at January 5, 2004 10:04 PMGod, and my boyfriend think's I'm a drunk. That is too funny although if I were in your situation I would have reacted much less calmly.
So, scorpions and drunken seductresses? Hmmm. Perry least you live a very interesting life!
Take care,
Bev
I was speed reading (caus I can) and stop at the peing on the table part. still laughing... LOL
Marry maxemus
eat spam
Posted by: Mike Loucas at January 5, 2004 11:25 AMSome pointers for dealing with the pissing pussy...
"Most cat owners want to place the litter box in an out-of-the-way place in order minimize odor and loose particles of cat litter tracked around the house. Often, the litter box may end up in the basement, possibly next to an appliance, on an unfinished, cold cement floor. This type of location may be undesirable from the cat's point of view"...
Love ya Perry! Happy New Year's! We miss you like stink (not sure what the hell that means, but it seems to work right now).
Posted by: Ilda at January 5, 2004 11:13 AM