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Post SARS Report

According to friends the equipment utilized for my bronchoscopy last week is the same used to explore from the 'other end' so I was somewhat relieved to wake up from the procedure with only a sore throat...

Fortunately my follow up with the Respirologist yesterday revealed no signs of lung damage, disease or danger. Great news, but on the other hand it does little to explain why my lung capillaries are now even more susceptible to rupturing underwater. Oh well, perhaps leaving this as an unknown will help me to avoid risking re-injury.

In the meantime I have enjoyed a first-hand look at post-SARS hospital procedures. Starting with a questionnaire and ending with a free mask the whole thing reminded me somewhat of going to the dentist only I think the free toothbrush is a better deal.

The questonnaire too, with its all-to-obviousness, was reminiscent of something. Perhaps the ridiculously literal career tests we used to do in high school, which posed questions like 'Would you rather solve challenging math problems or study rare bugs in a swamp?'

Surveys like that always make me want to throw my answers. How good would it be to sit across the desk from Mr. Green the Guidance Councillor as he does his best to extol the virtues of worm farming?

Of course in this case I am compelled to answer honestly otherwise I might find myself quarantined and forced to watch fox news for ten days straight after which I would inevitably end up trading in all my CD's for the complete Springsteen collection.

So I make it though the SARS check and, bypassing the registration counter, arrive at the sixth floor of the newly renovated ex-ICU wing at 7:40AM. I am the only one there. After a few random turns I surprise three nurses taking their first break of the morning. Apparently this is opening day of the new wing and I am the first customer.

I spent the better part of the next hour in a shiny new waiting room (with that new car smell) nodding off to kids cartoons and being startled awake by recurring visions of a small woman in enormous pants.

On her forth visit the little woman makes a final pass with her AS-SEEN-ON-TV carpet cleaner and skims just inches over the unused tables and counter tops lest her fluffer leave any dust on their virgin surfaces.

It was about then that the attending doctor happened to wander though the room catching us both by surprise. An hour and a half later I wake up connected to a sophisticated looking computer wondering when we are going to start.

Ironically the absence of any memory of the bronchoscopy is identical to blacking out underwater. In both cases I have to rely on someone else's account of what happened. You can see now why only a sore throat is a good thing.

Perry Gladstone
Former National Freedive Team Member

Posted by pike at September 10, 2003 09:33 AM